So there's a lot going on to make me a total emotional wreck right now, but I just had to resist the urge to type up a list of "My Biggest Regrets in Life". What spurned this thought process on? Clint Donaldson mailed me a copy of our Sound Invention Spring Show form 2003. Yes, my jazz choir performance of my junior year in high school...the one I paid for and ordered but never received. I only had one year in Sound Invention, and I only had half the proof of it, so I had been desperately begging for a copy of this DVD for a while now. After watching it this morning, seeing myself 50 pounds lighter and much more naive, I found myself feeling like Red in Shawshank Redemption... I want to talk to her. I think I even went loopy enough while watching the show that I thought I saw myself wink at me, telling current me that everything I will go through between the Tracey of May 2003 and the Tracey of May 2012 is okay and has to happen.
It's true. I hate it, but it's true. There was no other way to become who I am, and I like who I am now a lot. Just after that show ended was when life became hell, and it stayed that way for two years. Partly due to my own decisions, partly do to factors I couldn't control, everything fell to pieces. Talk about your dark ages...
And I'm torn, because I know I'm a better person for it all now, but the me of 2003 was still so good. I was so happy. I had just had the best school year of my life, bar none. I mean, really- who in their right mind says that their junior year in high school is the best one? No one! You take all the hard classes junior year and worry about your future- you're the only class who cares about anything. Freshman are dumb, sophomores are cocky, seniors are lazy. Juniors work, and work hard.
I didn't have a senior year in choir. I quit after that show. I didn't want to stay in choir if the jazz ensemble would be all girls. Thought there'd be too much drama and watered down talent. Snooty, right? I wanted to go somewhere that I could make a difference with people, and ended up losing something incredibly important to my soul.
Thank God for music. The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Dave Matthews Band, John Mayer, Coldplay, Miles Davis, Louis Armstrong, John Denver, Aretha Franklin, The Temptations, Michael Jackson, Beethoven, Mozart, Madonna, Beyonce- whoever. Thank God for music.
Without music, there's no dancing. There's no harmony, no unison, no melody, no tempo, no rhythm, no expression, love or truth. Music encompasses all of that and so much more.
Sometimes I say I wish I could go back to high school. I don't mean that. I mean go back to choir. Appreciate what I had, what I could do. Enjoy it more. Hold on to every moment.
That's why I love my job so much. My "job", if you can even call it that, didn't even earn me $2,000 this year. I don't care. This has been my senior year in choir. I got another opportunity to sing and dance and enjoy every minute by being a part of the Needville choirs this year. Doing choreography, subbing, assisting in every which way and odd shape possibly conceived, I've had more fun than I've had in a long time.
They had their spring concert last night: JV, Treble, Varsity, and Soundsation- the show choir, which is half my baby. I couldn't have been more proud. I could have stayed and listened to them forever. Music is like medicine, healing wounds you didn't even realize were there. The kids hugged me, thanked me for all I did for them this year, not even realizing what all they have done for me.
I'll always have regrets. I'll make mistakes today that I'll wish I could take back- that's life. I wish I hadn't quit choir. I think my life would have turned out very differently if I hadn't. Senior year would have been a lot easier. But I wouldn't be here now. And I'll take a rough patch of high school into college and keep my husband and child, friends and family, church and job.
I can't go back to choir, but I can always hold onto music.
Good friends are forever.
They never fade even when they are weathered
By the years.
I'm lonely whenever
I think I'm the only one who cries,
You feel my tears.
Oh, I need to share
All of my joys
All of my cares with you
Because you are my friend.
Oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Good friends stay together
Whether we're far or near
You always seem to hear
When I call
What I'm trying to say
Is though we're apart
You're in my heart to stay
You are my friend,
-Sound Invention Alumni Song, sung by each group since 1981