Sunday, August 28, 2011

Pride.

It was just like an episode of  "Community". It starts out with a minor dilemma which turns into a much larger problem that becomes resolved with some wise words from close friends. The reason why my day was much more like this cool TV show and dorkier ones like "Full House" is that my cast of characters is much more colorful and my life is full of movie references. Today was no exception. And the title of today's episode: "Pride". (Brandon just asked me if I was blogging, and what about. I told him. He then said, "Oh, you're talking about black swimmers?" "Pride"  See? Movie references.)

Many of you who read this blog may already guess what I'm talking about, or remember the story I told you at the baby shower today. For the rest of you, here's an embarrassing tale of one of the shallowest and most selfish moments I ever had.

I woke up this morning and realized my hair looks even worse when I sleep on it. Great. So I get a shower, dry my hair, but we're running late so I opt to put my makeup on in the car. This is an important plot point, because if I had finished my makeup at home, I probably would have never gotten in the car in the first place.

By the time we reach church, my makeup is done and I see myself in the mirror. All I see is someone ugly. Awkward. Weird. Thanks, Satan, for the happy thoughts. Really nice on a Sunday morning. So I should have said, "Back off devil, I'm going to church", but instead I gave in and started crying. I asked Brandon if we could go to church today somewhere new where no one knows us. Then I said I just wasn't going to church. After some back and forth about feeling ugly and not liking myself very much today, he agreed to leave me and go into the building with Brooklyn.

I didn't have my wallet though, so I couldn't go anywhere. He left me his keys so I could have the AC on, so instead of worshiping, I sat in the car listening to Kelly Clarkson. And trying to repair the van's DVD player, but I didn't have a screwdriver, so I was using my tweezers instead. I got one of the screws out and then lost all my drive for it. This is off topic and another story entirely.

I took a nap and woke up when Brandon called me. He said, "Everyone thinks you're sick and they want you to feel better". He comes out to the car with Krytondra, who proceeds to tell me I'm ridiculous, and beautiful, and that she won't go away until I believe her. After many embarrassed hugs from her and Clancy (now by this point, of course, I'm embarrassed because I'm in a dress and heels sitting in a van for two hours doing absolutely nothing productive all because I didn't like my haircut) we go out to eat and I start feeling much better.

TALK ABOUT PRIDE. I didn't like the way I looked, so I chose pride over God. I didn't go to church, a safe, sacred place, because I was afraid I might start crying if anyone talked about how I looked. It's like Krytondra said today: Satan attacks you, like a lion. He comes at you with so much force and with exactly what will get you down, and once he gets you, he piiiiiiiles it on to make it worse. He did a good job on me the past few days. 1)Get frustrated with comforter situation. Check. 2)Get a bad haircut. Check. 3)Take a job only to turn it down later in the day and feel like a lousy flip-flopper. Check. 4)Try to fix your bad haircut and make it still only look decent. Check. 5)Take it out on your husband. Check, check, triple check. 6)Pull problems that you've hidden away off the shelf and get upset that you still haven't lost all the pregnancy weight. Check. Could he find any more ways to make me feel insecure or crappy?

It just goes to show that you can't think you've ever conquered something. I started taking medicine for anxiety and depression while I was in college.  I had been told growing up that I had anger problems and that if I didn't straighten up, I would be taken to see a counselor. It was used as a threat when I was younger, so I certainly wasn't going to go punish myself on my own accord, right? Wrong. I finally went to a psychologist and got some medicine. That was one of the best decisions of my life. Now I'm myself, but with a clearer mind, knowing all the positives that were not reaching my brain, for whatever reason, before.

See how easy that was for me to type? No, you couldn't see me type. But trust me, I type fast and it only took about 3 minutes or so to think of all that and put it down. No big deal. I'm over this issue of pride now, right? Wrong again. (That's 2 incorrect assumptions, for those of you keeping score at home).

A few years ago I wouldn't even talk about it. No mention. I didn't want to admit there was something wrong with my mind! Not me- I was an AP student, went to a top university, have a master's degree... all prideful. One day I realized that I wasn't helping anyone by taking medicine. Just myself. And that's selfish. So now I talk. Once I talk, others who have had similar problems will talk too. They can be brave enough to set aside their pride and get the help they need.

I talked to Brittnie Blackburn about that today too. She writes a blog and admits some very personal things about anorexia to the online world. Why? Because she's awesome, and has also gotten rid of her pride. She thinks: so what if people know about my past issues? Maybe what I have to say can help someone else. I agree. Why hide the problems we've had in the past? No one's perfect and we need to stop acting like we are. Without doing that, we can't fully be supportive friends and family.

I didn't really mean to get on a soapbox about that, so here's the conclusion to today's episode: I learned my lesson (they always do at the end of that 1/2 hour segment). Namely- pride is absurd. Pride took me from worshiping my God today and I hate that. Pride took me from loving myself. Pride took me from being happy. And get this: Satan was proud he succeeded. Doesn't that make you shiver? I'm not going to let him take away my peace any more.

BAM. Sup NOW Satan?

2 comments:

  1. So, my dear, I am soooooo proud of you, and encouraged....I've been lying here awake in bed for like an hour. Half crying, half yelling at satan and his stupidity in my head.....and all over tomorrow. My first day back in seven years being only hours away has all the freak outness in me fighting to come out! All the insecurities....all 2 million and 3 of them, are screaming louder than God's truths. I am God's child; He put me on this path; since He put me here He apparently knows I am totally capable of keeping up with the young whippersnappers in ability and quickness of mind! Your blog reminded me of the very advise I gave YOU earlier about satan's plots and plans and how we need to be on our guard. Lol Talk about a double kick to the prideful stomach!! Thank you for being so wonderful, beautiful, and real. : )

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is such a great post. Seriously. I really think we ALL struggle with pride in one form or another. Sure it might look different to each of us and we might categorize it differently based on how "severe" we think it might be but really... pride is pride. Don't think you are alone in this. While I am on the recovery side of my ED I still have days where pride starts to sneak back in & rear it's ugly head. I too believe that Satan knows each of our weak spots and knows how to trap us in a moment of weakness. The moment you described in your car on Sunday.... I have been there... many times. The important thing is at the end of the day we are able to move forward, learn from our mistakes and thank God for the learning experience. And tell others about it... which is what you are doing. Good for you. Preach it girlfriend! :)

    ReplyDelete